Post by rorschalk on May 31, 2024 15:36:31 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
It sounds like JfS needs some filling in. According to Rox, it's got the framework that might could be developed into a novel. However, as a capital venture at TQR its run had ended on the Floor. Here's Rockefeller's full discolure.
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Rockefeller's critique:
Seems tight enough grammatically with only funny little nits like,
Sydney looked eviller at the talk show host,"
jumping out at me ("eviller" not being an adverb, really not even much of an adjective).
I feel like there's some close-to-the-heart experience behind this cap, but just couldn't get into it. The first section's set in a courtroom, but with little or no input from opposing counsel or the judge. Felt more like a family "gettogether." The POV's Sydney's, but only barely, really closer to objective (fly on the wall) what with all the dialog. The italicized sections confused as to POV. And as tragic as the circumstances, I didn't really care about any of the many characters. I had trouble latching onto a plot. Hard to distinguish between parts set in court and those set on some talk show. Seems like his family (and not just his parents) and the system (school, boot camp etc.) let poor, mentally and physically much abused and diminished Shawn down, but there really is no direction to it, no protags, and only vague antagonists, none I would derive any satisfaction from in seeing punished. I feel a little bad portholing this one. It has heart. Might make a decent novel, with a lesser dialog to narrative ratio, tighter points of view, more description and character building, and with Shawn's and others' stories played out in real time. Usually more is less, but here it could actually be more.
It sounds like JfS needs some filling in. According to Rox, it's got the framework that might could be developed into a novel. However, as a capital venture at TQR its run had ended on the Floor. Here's Rockefeller's full discolure.
*
Rockefeller's critique:
Seems tight enough grammatically with only funny little nits like,
Sydney looked eviller at the talk show host,"
jumping out at me ("eviller" not being an adverb, really not even much of an adjective).
I feel like there's some close-to-the-heart experience behind this cap, but just couldn't get into it. The first section's set in a courtroom, but with little or no input from opposing counsel or the judge. Felt more like a family "gettogether." The POV's Sydney's, but only barely, really closer to objective (fly on the wall) what with all the dialog. The italicized sections confused as to POV. And as tragic as the circumstances, I didn't really care about any of the many characters. I had trouble latching onto a plot. Hard to distinguish between parts set in court and those set on some talk show. Seems like his family (and not just his parents) and the system (school, boot camp etc.) let poor, mentally and physically much abused and diminished Shawn down, but there really is no direction to it, no protags, and only vague antagonists, none I would derive any satisfaction from in seeing punished. I feel a little bad portholing this one. It has heart. Might make a decent novel, with a lesser dialog to narrative ratio, tighter points of view, more description and character building, and with Shawn's and others' stories played out in real time. Usually more is less, but here it could actually be more.