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Post by rorschalk on May 24, 2023 14:41:28 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
Your venture has made it over the floor and the terminal hurdles to land on my desk for a final once or twice or thrice over. It is a wonderful tale and up to the point of this paragraph, which was brutally poignant, wasted no words whatsoever.
Jones asked him once, “Hey Miller, why do you risk your neck to wait and write all that down?”
Thomas took the notebook out of his tunic and held it. “Because there’s nothing worse than dying alone and unremembered.” He put the notebook back into his pocket. “I’m with them,and I will remember.”
After this, the piece bogs down somewhat and gets a bit convoluted. Perhaps you are trying too hard to impart some thematic oomph that isn't there or that has already, see the above paragraphs, been imparted.
My question to you is could we work together to hammer out a new ending that will make this piece a worthy capital gain?
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Post by johnVC on May 24, 2023 17:47:50 GMT
Not sure what you mean by gets consulted [sic: the vc means convoluted], but I am willing to work with you if you can give me more specific comments.
johnVC
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Post by rorschalk on May 24, 2023 17:50:51 GMT
Miller already caused the death of one of his colleagues due to his empathy for a German soldier. Regardless of his obviously good intentions, it seems to me to show a lack of experiential common sense to put himself in the very same position so soon afterward, as he had before. His refusal of the sidearm is in keeping with his character, but the equal treatment of an enemy soldier again, in relation to what this behavior led to before, makes Miller less sympathetic because only a fool would disregard the lessons learned from previous such encounters. It seems to me there's got to be something more subtle to that last encounter to have it go off as it does, where the German appeals to Miller's empathy before springing the trap maybe? Something that shows the reader it's not Miller just rushing in foolishly, in good faith no doubt but still foolishly, on his own volition as he'd done before.
I need to re-read the ending as well to see if I missed anything that you threw in there to address this nit of mine that I may have missed first time around. I did research the whole "white feather" deal that was an actual thing during the 1st world war which makes the doctor's (was it the doctor who said it?) "No cowards here" dialogue more understood by me and in context than it had been before.
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Post by rorschalk on May 24, 2023 18:55:20 GMT
ONE LONG WALK LATER
Although, his discovery of the grenade could be said to have saved his own life, whereas the dying German soldier would have detonated the incendiary, perhaps not certainly, whether Miller'd discovered it or not. So. You could say at least he saved himself and gave his colleague a fighting chance, only to be foiled by a slip in the mud. But, still, my point still stands, I think, Miller would still, human nature being what it is, have second thoughts about similar situations because of the guilt he would have naturally felt, whether it was really his fault or not, about the grenade incident. What do you think?
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Post by johnVC on May 24, 2023 21:46:43 GMT
I can see your points. There should be more emphasis on the action and less on the moral lesson. I can do that, although it will require some major rewriting of the last part.
Because my stories are primarily set in the World War 1 era, I assume others have the same knowledge. Do you think I need to have a line explaining the reference?
Is there a specific date by which you would like the rewrite?
johnVC
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Post by rorschalk on May 24, 2023 21:48:50 GMT
Some kind of endnote maybe, or even an explanation of the WWI white feather campaign before the main event would be a solid shoring up of the overall narrative.
I'm thrilled you see my points. Judging from the quality of the writing up until the over moralistic ending, I'm fairly certain the rewrite will be just as outstanding. No deadline. Take you time and do it right.
TQR
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Post by rorschalk on May 24, 2023 21:58:16 GMT
ONE ANXIETY-FUELED DOUBT LATER
Also, it wasn't the over moralistic nature of the ending that is my main criticism. It was Miller's actions after the grenade killed his colleague that gave me pause. His actions thereafter seemed somewhat stilted or unhuman or unrealistic, however you want to say it. Anyhow. I just wanted to reiterate that point. Thanks! Also, one last thing, I used the word "convoluted" in that earlier gmail because it seemed like you were trying to squeeze in too much meaning into your ending, there were one or two too many moving parts so to speak that called for some editorial discretion in order to hone in on your most important point, whatever that may be. And, too, I may just be running at the mouth and should just shut up and let you do your thing. Viddy well!
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Post by johnVC on May 25, 2023 14:07:14 GMT
Okay. It should only be a week or two since I am between semesters.
johnVC
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