Post by rorschalk on Mar 30, 2023 20:17:25 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
Your writing style has a certain engaging momentum that keeps you tripping forward regardless of whether the subject is itself all that momentous in regards to existential DefCon levels. This is good in the beginning. The light you cast upon your characters is just enough illumination without too much, if any, extraneous detail or formal introduction.
Having read it twice to firm up my resolution, I must tell you now why it does not touch the monkey.
Seems to me this venture is still in search of a soul. The main point of conflict simmering beneath the surface between our protag and his old friend Al is the protag's inability to apologize for dropping Al's guitar at Al's father's funeral. In a way this happenstance is pretty funny. It shows how petty grievances can become mountains of resentment the more time goes by. But, still, it's a throw away line really, not the thing to hang the entire subtext of the capital upon because it's just not substantive enough to carry that weight. The whole deal with them being stuck in Mexico and being extorted to get back into the States is indicative of the systemic corruption every aspect of the United State bureaucracy has succumbed to, it's not exactly the kind of explosive grand finale that normally would cap off a capital gain. The moment at the end when the dropping of the guitar is finally breached or broached or however that goes, it's kind of meh , there's no tension or catharsis or whatever else you strive for while you are building up a narrative that you want to pay off at the end. So. These are my reasons for rejecting this finely crafted work.
I would like to make a suggestion or two about where you may find this venture's soul. Firstly, in general, I must lean on an oft-used phrase that seems to always come in handy in these close-but-no-cigar type subs: Raise the stakes!
Perhaps it would be overkill to have Al dropping by holding such a grudge against his old friend about the sleight he has nurtured all those years about the dropped guitar and the protag's nonchalant blowing off of the whole incident that he's actually coming back to assassinate him, it would definitely help the overall dynamic if he were noticeably upset and pissy about the unresolved case of the dropped guitar. Raise the stakes in Mexico. Instead of having them be in the somewhat intimidating presence of border gaurd decked out in ridiculously overstated military garb, you could have them be kidnapped by any number of orgs in Mexico, the police, the cartels and whatever the hell else is lurking along the border. The border has become an exceedingly dangerous place. I just read a headline that said something about a border guard who has seen children skinned alive. This is horrific of course, and I'm not recommending this could be their fate, but the possibility of some very bad things are now very probable on the border, such as it has become kind of a lawless grey zone of jaded government employees who realize they're just there for show and dough, not to really enforce or support any laws of interdiction.
Also, I noticed a thread throughout the piece that is supporting of this more dynamic and possibly violent ending. The mention of the old smoking man's brush with brutality in the war. The crew's room-bound PTSD'd roommate late of the Iraq War. The mangled and barely recognizable body of Lea father the night he dared try to get his family refreshment during a NATO air raid on Serbia 20 years ago or so. There may be another mention of this type that I am missing right now, but to me this is the thematic frame upon which this venture should hang. Oh yeah, this too: When he's hearkening back to the squeegy men in New York with his mother. I really would suggest a broader flashback be used to liven up this scene. Right now it's mostly "telling" when a dramatic type actual reproduction of this vignette would really be so much more impactful. Plus the way you segue out of it and come back to the scene in the van doesn't make sense to me. ie "I stole glances at Lea and at Al while their eyes were finxed on the gridlock ahead and wondered whether, were I to voice my thoughts at that moment, they'd have any idea what I was talking about." I think the easy answer to this query is, No, why would they have any idea what you were talking about if you didn't first give them any context. But then again, this may be indicative of a stoner's lack of communication skills due to heavy drug use and mass murder of brain cells...but it still sounded stilted to me. But all these instances have unbearable suffering and violence in common. I'd want to see the implications of all this shit reflected in the narrative somehow. The shit and piss and blood many of us have to crawl through at some point in our lives, and then carry on as if nothing terrible just scarred our souls when the "all clear" is given by the powers-that-be and we're just expected to carry on as if nothing happened. Dig?
On a personal note, and something that would probably take this venture in some interesting direction is the character Lea. More Lea, her specifically and also her backstory about being a little girl in a warzone or the US's own making. She is so interesting now, I think she could be so much more and elevate this piece to the level where I'd be an idiot not to accept into the rarified air of Capital Gain.
Best of luck! .
Your writing style has a certain engaging momentum that keeps you tripping forward regardless of whether the subject is itself all that momentous in regards to existential DefCon levels. This is good in the beginning. The light you cast upon your characters is just enough illumination without too much, if any, extraneous detail or formal introduction.
Having read it twice to firm up my resolution, I must tell you now why it does not touch the monkey.
Seems to me this venture is still in search of a soul. The main point of conflict simmering beneath the surface between our protag and his old friend Al is the protag's inability to apologize for dropping Al's guitar at Al's father's funeral. In a way this happenstance is pretty funny. It shows how petty grievances can become mountains of resentment the more time goes by. But, still, it's a throw away line really, not the thing to hang the entire subtext of the capital upon because it's just not substantive enough to carry that weight. The whole deal with them being stuck in Mexico and being extorted to get back into the States is indicative of the systemic corruption every aspect of the United State bureaucracy has succumbed to, it's not exactly the kind of explosive grand finale that normally would cap off a capital gain. The moment at the end when the dropping of the guitar is finally breached or broached or however that goes, it's kind of meh , there's no tension or catharsis or whatever else you strive for while you are building up a narrative that you want to pay off at the end. So. These are my reasons for rejecting this finely crafted work.
I would like to make a suggestion or two about where you may find this venture's soul. Firstly, in general, I must lean on an oft-used phrase that seems to always come in handy in these close-but-no-cigar type subs: Raise the stakes!
Perhaps it would be overkill to have Al dropping by holding such a grudge against his old friend about the sleight he has nurtured all those years about the dropped guitar and the protag's nonchalant blowing off of the whole incident that he's actually coming back to assassinate him, it would definitely help the overall dynamic if he were noticeably upset and pissy about the unresolved case of the dropped guitar. Raise the stakes in Mexico. Instead of having them be in the somewhat intimidating presence of border gaurd decked out in ridiculously overstated military garb, you could have them be kidnapped by any number of orgs in Mexico, the police, the cartels and whatever the hell else is lurking along the border. The border has become an exceedingly dangerous place. I just read a headline that said something about a border guard who has seen children skinned alive. This is horrific of course, and I'm not recommending this could be their fate, but the possibility of some very bad things are now very probable on the border, such as it has become kind of a lawless grey zone of jaded government employees who realize they're just there for show and dough, not to really enforce or support any laws of interdiction.
Also, I noticed a thread throughout the piece that is supporting of this more dynamic and possibly violent ending. The mention of the old smoking man's brush with brutality in the war. The crew's room-bound PTSD'd roommate late of the Iraq War. The mangled and barely recognizable body of Lea father the night he dared try to get his family refreshment during a NATO air raid on Serbia 20 years ago or so. There may be another mention of this type that I am missing right now, but to me this is the thematic frame upon which this venture should hang. Oh yeah, this too: When he's hearkening back to the squeegy men in New York with his mother. I really would suggest a broader flashback be used to liven up this scene. Right now it's mostly "telling" when a dramatic type actual reproduction of this vignette would really be so much more impactful. Plus the way you segue out of it and come back to the scene in the van doesn't make sense to me. ie "I stole glances at Lea and at Al while their eyes were finxed on the gridlock ahead and wondered whether, were I to voice my thoughts at that moment, they'd have any idea what I was talking about." I think the easy answer to this query is, No, why would they have any idea what you were talking about if you didn't first give them any context. But then again, this may be indicative of a stoner's lack of communication skills due to heavy drug use and mass murder of brain cells...but it still sounded stilted to me. But all these instances have unbearable suffering and violence in common. I'd want to see the implications of all this shit reflected in the narrative somehow. The shit and piss and blood many of us have to crawl through at some point in our lives, and then carry on as if nothing terrible just scarred our souls when the "all clear" is given by the powers-that-be and we're just expected to carry on as if nothing happened. Dig?
On a personal note, and something that would probably take this venture in some interesting direction is the character Lea. More Lea, her specifically and also her backstory about being a little girl in a warzone or the US's own making. She is so interesting now, I think she could be so much more and elevate this piece to the level where I'd be an idiot not to accept into the rarified air of Capital Gain.
Best of luck! .