Post by rorschalk on Aug 15, 2022 19:46:56 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
I apologize for the delay and even more so for the negligent non-certification of receipt of SNAPDRAGON'S submission. TQR's turnaround time is not what it used to be. Going through the backlog, I stumbled upon your case and rather than farm it out to overworked capital managers Rockefeller or Guevara, decided I'd break protocol and simply read it myself.
So. I did enjoy many parts of this cap. Once the narrative gets rolling, it's a smooth, economical ride. The parallels are perhaps a bit too on the nose ie the prostitute named Mary...but that's not what killed its chances. Christ is too passive here. I'm showing my bias of course, when I say i want more Jesus throwing out the money changers from the temple than the Jesus who turns all four of his cheeks. Like I said, your writing style flows really well. The image of the riot torn city is near perfect and very engaging. But our protag stranger in a stange land has no dynamism, no fire. He's just a punching bag resigned to bitch about his sorry lot to his Father in Heaven when the shiv's already about to pierce his heart. Also, I didn't get who or what the big black executioner at the end was supposed to be or represent. I wasn't able to fit that piece into the allegorical puzzle and so it kind of let the air out of the tires for me. I also found it hard to follow the whys and wherefores of the future college lecturer who bookends the proceedings, though I did kind of dig the opening dissertation on cells and photosynthesis being more involved in spacetime than we're currently aware. Far out and actually believable, but still detracts from the rest of the tale methinks. Or, if I had to narrow that criticism, I'd suggest leaving off the end and simply keeping the preamble intro to the new passion of Christ. And, too, give Jesus some passion, for God's sakes!
Thanks again for the submission. I look forward to doing business with you in the future.
I apologize for the delay and even more so for the negligent non-certification of receipt of SNAPDRAGON'S submission. TQR's turnaround time is not what it used to be. Going through the backlog, I stumbled upon your case and rather than farm it out to overworked capital managers Rockefeller or Guevara, decided I'd break protocol and simply read it myself.
So. I did enjoy many parts of this cap. Once the narrative gets rolling, it's a smooth, economical ride. The parallels are perhaps a bit too on the nose ie the prostitute named Mary...but that's not what killed its chances. Christ is too passive here. I'm showing my bias of course, when I say i want more Jesus throwing out the money changers from the temple than the Jesus who turns all four of his cheeks. Like I said, your writing style flows really well. The image of the riot torn city is near perfect and very engaging. But our protag stranger in a stange land has no dynamism, no fire. He's just a punching bag resigned to bitch about his sorry lot to his Father in Heaven when the shiv's already about to pierce his heart. Also, I didn't get who or what the big black executioner at the end was supposed to be or represent. I wasn't able to fit that piece into the allegorical puzzle and so it kind of let the air out of the tires for me. I also found it hard to follow the whys and wherefores of the future college lecturer who bookends the proceedings, though I did kind of dig the opening dissertation on cells and photosynthesis being more involved in spacetime than we're currently aware. Far out and actually believable, but still detracts from the rest of the tale methinks. Or, if I had to narrow that criticism, I'd suggest leaving off the end and simply keeping the preamble intro to the new passion of Christ. And, too, give Jesus some passion, for God's sakes!
Thanks again for the submission. I look forward to doing business with you in the future.