Post by rorschalk on Jun 22, 2022 19:16:45 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
Rockefeller sent BtSM up to the next level of capital discrimination, the Terminal. Best of luck. Here's his dispensation,
*****
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Posts: 181
4 hours ago Post Options
Post by rockefeller on 4 hours ago
This Beside the Sickle Moon cap is impressively well written, maybe not surprising given the VC's CV, except that prose of this caliber is always a little unexpected. Another personal plus is that it's near-future sci-fi, the prognostic stuff I usually go for. It's set in the Middle East, mainly in the open-air prison that is Gaza, but incorporates some broader world building. Guessing it's a few years old since there are no pandemic influences. Water scarcity is a thing though.
Technically, I thought there were some comma faults, and better use could have been made of hyphens. But writing at this level is allowed, even expected, to bend the rules.
Only flagged one minor verb misconjugation:
“We’ve gotta go,” I shout just as the pop of teargas turn into the crack, crack, bang of live gunfire...
pops (or turns)
I did start to skim toward the end. I don't think it totally works as a "Self-Contained Novel Excerpt" (as advertised on the title page). In the greater work, I imagine this author was able to bring readers to care about the narrator via his biases and backstory, but the action (albeit very well done) to character development ratio here struck me as too high. I wonder if the novel is written in 1st person, present tense. Even in this excerpt I was starting to overdose on "I" and immediacy. It ends so abruptly that Hussien might want to consider chopping it off mid-sentence, suggesting the MC took a bullet or something.
But the description, authenticity, future building, quality of writing, even the antisemitism (as in anti Israel) are all too good for me not to let it ascend to the denizens of the Terminal here.
Rockefeller sent BtSM up to the next level of capital discrimination, the Terminal. Best of luck. Here's his dispensation,
*****
rockefeller Avatar
Posts: 181
4 hours ago Post Options
Post by rockefeller on 4 hours ago
This Beside the Sickle Moon cap is impressively well written, maybe not surprising given the VC's CV, except that prose of this caliber is always a little unexpected. Another personal plus is that it's near-future sci-fi, the prognostic stuff I usually go for. It's set in the Middle East, mainly in the open-air prison that is Gaza, but incorporates some broader world building. Guessing it's a few years old since there are no pandemic influences. Water scarcity is a thing though.
Technically, I thought there were some comma faults, and better use could have been made of hyphens. But writing at this level is allowed, even expected, to bend the rules.
Only flagged one minor verb misconjugation:
“We’ve gotta go,” I shout just as the pop of teargas turn into the crack, crack, bang of live gunfire...
pops (or turns)
I did start to skim toward the end. I don't think it totally works as a "Self-Contained Novel Excerpt" (as advertised on the title page). In the greater work, I imagine this author was able to bring readers to care about the narrator via his biases and backstory, but the action (albeit very well done) to character development ratio here struck me as too high. I wonder if the novel is written in 1st person, present tense. Even in this excerpt I was starting to overdose on "I" and immediacy. It ends so abruptly that Hussien might want to consider chopping it off mid-sentence, suggesting the MC took a bullet or something.
But the description, authenticity, future building, quality of writing, even the antisemitism (as in anti Israel) are all too good for me not to let it ascend to the denizens of the Terminal here.
