Post by rorschalk on May 3, 2021 16:51:17 GMT
This is an excellent first or second chapter of a YA novel. I was taken in by it immediately. The setting has the feel of a medieval walled city whose citizens are alive in the world of trades and guilds. The carrier pigeon business is fascinating. The characters are distinctive and sympathetic. It's all here, but alas it's not a complete venture, as I began with, but an excellent beginning chapter in a book which, for this reason, I regrettably will have to refuse.
Notes: (for what they are worth). The dead pigeon in the start (very nice foreshadow of the disaster to come) is described first as "stiff" and then when Lynn is looking at it it's described as "limp". That struck me as being inconsistent.
The library where Odella's boyfriend does his research is described as an old castle, (perhaps the first building where from the city sprung?) with heavy thick stone block walls, then immediately mentioned as the heavy wooden doors are the only thing that is reminiscent of its former iteration, which is contradictory to the way it was initially described ie if it was originally a castle and it still has the thick stone block walls then it's still going to look like a castle, no?
There were some other nits ... I thought Odella's boyfriend's process of research and study in the library could have been expanded upon somewhat whereas what I remember from that specific chapter was the expression "he took copious notes".
The way he knew something was up during the parade was all set up perfectly and was very satisfying. The ending was not, however. Too many loose threads and all your set ups beg for resolution. Too many questions yet to be answered. I can foresee that Odella's boyfriends book, which would have been a triumph had the peace treaty's parade had not been a Trojan horse, so to speak, would then only bring him calumny and ruin. He might be branded as a collaborationist, a traitor who has to either become the censor, in effect the burner of his own book, or prove his innocence through the arduous completion of some great adventure. Also, Odella and him, what will come of that? And much more...to be continued. I think you have a very good start on something that could be very, very good.
Notes: (for what they are worth). The dead pigeon in the start (very nice foreshadow of the disaster to come) is described first as "stiff" and then when Lynn is looking at it it's described as "limp". That struck me as being inconsistent.
The library where Odella's boyfriend does his research is described as an old castle, (perhaps the first building where from the city sprung?) with heavy thick stone block walls, then immediately mentioned as the heavy wooden doors are the only thing that is reminiscent of its former iteration, which is contradictory to the way it was initially described ie if it was originally a castle and it still has the thick stone block walls then it's still going to look like a castle, no?
There were some other nits ... I thought Odella's boyfriend's process of research and study in the library could have been expanded upon somewhat whereas what I remember from that specific chapter was the expression "he took copious notes".
The way he knew something was up during the parade was all set up perfectly and was very satisfying. The ending was not, however. Too many loose threads and all your set ups beg for resolution. Too many questions yet to be answered. I can foresee that Odella's boyfriends book, which would have been a triumph had the peace treaty's parade had not been a Trojan horse, so to speak, would then only bring him calumny and ruin. He might be branded as a collaborationist, a traitor who has to either become the censor, in effect the burner of his own book, or prove his innocence through the arduous completion of some great adventure. Also, Odella and him, what will come of that? And much more...to be continued. I think you have a very good start on something that could be very, very good.