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Post by doomey on Aug 16, 2020 17:03:55 GMT
Dear John,
We examined the capital you sent. We fucking love that you dig crafting, cousin. But, holy fucking shit, you must improve, right? I mean, wow, your prose has to improve. I would fucking love to see you send your stuff out to other zines and get accepted. Do it, cousin. I would love to tear down the plot and dialogue and text you about how it should be thrust. Thrust, a weird word. But, yeah man, John. Wishing you the best ever, 2020.
Coming to your house for the party,
Boligard Doomey
The Floor
www.tqr.stories.com
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Post by johnVC on Aug 19, 2020 15:32:40 GMT
You speak in word-salad. You think my prose is too--what? What about my prose that needs to improve. Please tell me...
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Post by doomey on Aug 19, 2020 15:35:20 GMT
Actually I speak Boligard, not salad. And I never typed your crafting was “too” anything. Are you currently sucking on a joint? If you aren’t aware of our dialogue well okay. There is no prose, cousin. There is craft. Oh, fuck, now I see why you think my babble is salad. Examine our site, Frost. We ain’t normal.
Lonnie Hazel paused before knocking on the open door, smiling in conjecture as he watched the beautiful creature in shorts, the strings of her halter top across her naked tanned back tantalized to be teased out of it's knot as she hovered above her office desk. In fact her entire exposed skin was a deep and uniform brown, a shade that complemented her fine brunette hair and – – – when she caught him staring – – – contrasting blue of her eyes. He only smiled, the more confident. "I'm Lonnie Hazel. I called earlier concerning some rooms."
That is your first paragraph. Okay, so it doesn’t make any sense at all. I’ve examined it over and over and over again. What about your crafting needs to improve? Unless someone has hacked your account and sent us a bogus capital (to understand what I mean by capital you will once again need to get familiar with our site), what you sent is senseless. I’ve texted some pals, consulted my wife, and reexamined your capital on a fucking loop. Maybe it’s way over my head. I don’t understand how making no sense at all makes a fair capital, or a normal capital. We are looking for Goodstuff here at TQR. Please explain to me what you are trying to do!
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Post by johnVC on Aug 19, 2020 15:39:01 GMT
I don't see how that escapes you: Lonnie Hazel is eying the woman he'd like to wank. It doesn't make sense? Huh?
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Post by doomey on Aug 19, 2020 15:42:41 GMT
Holy shit, I get it now. You think this paragraph makes sense. After I sent you the last email I reexamined the capital (okay, I reexamined the first paragraph) over and over and over. Unnerves me that I can’t get what you’re throwing my way. That first paragraph, from “tantalized to be teased out of its knot” to “her entire exposed skin”, it’s trips and hiccups. But I can see how you think you’re making headway. I do the same thing in my capital, edging, pushing. But, yeah, what you typed just makes little to no sense, compadre. I would love to tell you different, but I cannot bullshit my way through this pandemic. Please let me know if I make any sense, because I want to help, I don’t want to be an asshole. I craft myself, and I love this stuff. I do not mean to offend, cousin. But this capital must improved.
So “smiling in conjecture” is a stumble. Means he’s smiling because he’s come up with a conclusion, a mindset, without knowing the facts, which makes sense seeing as how we don’t know where he’s coming from, the scene is fresh, but it’s still a stumble. And then, “the strings of her halter top across her naked tanned back tantalized to be teased out of it’s knot as she hovered above her office desk.” That is a mouthful. I see what you’re trying to say, but, man, it does not work. Repeat that line to yourself. It doesn’t work! Best of luck, dude, but that first paragraph is mega rough. I’m trying to help.
Wishing you all the best,
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Post by rockefeller on Aug 19, 2020 16:41:11 GMT
Sorry to horn in. Couldn't help it. How many zines engage in this sort of thing? Answer: 1. Us. We ain't like others.
It's always tempting to overwrite openings. And, like Doomey says, you way did.
Lonnie Hazel paused before knocking on the open door, smiling in conjecture as he watched the beautiful creature in shorts, the strings of her halter top across her naked tanned back tantalized to be teased out of it's knot as she hovered above her office desk. In fact her entire exposed skin was a deep and uniform brown, a shade that complemented her fine brunette hair and – – – when she caught him staring – – – contrasting blue of her eyes. He only smiled, the more confident. "I'm Lonnie Hazel. I called earlier concerning some rooms."
Most glaringly, "it's knot" should be "its knot" in sentence 1, its being the possessive, gender-neutral pronoun, and it's being a contraction of it and is. The double usage of temporal (as) clauses in this same sentence is turgid (in a not good way) and, in my experience, forebodes a painful read. Probably need a comma after "fact" in sentence 2, and not sure how extra loud, super-duper-triple-m-dashes are better than a simple comma pair, unless her having caught him gawking is just really, really, really important somehow. Nice to see a short sentence follow the two convoluted ones, but wonder why it's important we see him smile in a subtly (and confusingly) different manner. Like, why is he more confident now? You'd think, having been caught staring, he'd be embarrassed. But maybe he's a dick.
If you'd just begun, "Lonnie Hazel is eyeing the woman he'd like to wank," as per your synopsis, I'd have been much more apt to continue reading. Doomey, too, I'd venture.
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