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BIRDIE
Aug 9, 2020 15:39:27 GMT
Post by sturgeon on Aug 9, 2020 15:39:27 GMT
I've assessed a lot of capital in my time, and this here's a plot that comes up more than you'd think: life from the perspective of a pet. It's almost like a rite of passage, a piece that many a budding VC feels compelled to tackle - but do they truly think they're doing something new?
This is a competent example of the format, and well produced; but does it elevate itself by doing something different? Is it lyrical and moving? Is it a clever metaphor for an abusive relationship or suchlike? Am I going to remember it beyond tomorrow?
Not really.
So, it's a nope from me.
I was lucky enough, once upon a time, to meet doyen of the silver screen Warren Clarke, and he made a big impression on me with a two-word piece of advice. Advice that, I think, applies in this case:
Write bigger.
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BIRDIE
Aug 12, 2020 19:23:04 GMT
Post by mrchu on Aug 12, 2020 19:23:04 GMT
Bulldust is an idiot. Not only does he hog all the snacks, but he leaves his computer unlocked. Well, screw him. Now I, Mr. Pikachu, shall have my say!
SQUAK!
"Birdie" is the sad cap of a poor little neglected avian, type undisclosed, who suffers at the hand of an indifferent master.
I call bullshit.
First of all, pellets taste pretty damned good. Yeah, seeds are better, but there's no way I'm eating a smelly bug. That's just disgusting.
Secondly, there should have been wires around. And who doesn't love chewing wires? My slaves have a budget just for replacing all the tech cables around the house. If it doesn't have beak marks and poop on it, it's not legit.
This guy obviously did not know how to work this master guy. Whenever I want something, I just give the big eyes and sing, then BAM! it's potato chip time. It works day and night. This Blue guy was an amateur.
And don't start me on the outside. I was there once. It was scary as crap. Nope give me the great indoors. I'll take the back of the recliner over that predator-infested hellscape any time.
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BIRDIE
Aug 12, 2020 19:42:25 GMT
Post by theflock on Aug 12, 2020 19:42:25 GMT
Moby here, and I have a few words to add.
First of all, don't listen to Pikachu. He's a spoiled, entitled douche. He came from a high-end pet boutique where he was treated like royalty. Our human flock dotes over him even though he's the world's biggest asshole. Not that I begrudge the guy the right to his happiness, but he's had it easy. His talons are pink because they never seen anything but cushions and smooth perches.
The rest of us have different experiences. Peep here was in a pet store, but it wasn't as ritzy. She came from a breeder who pulled her from her nest really young and she was pretty scared. Luckily, she got a good human flock now. She's had a good life here, but she knows score.
Rufus is a cool dude, but a little gimpy. So some idiot decided he was broken and dumped him in a bird rescue where he was forced to live in a cage that was stashed in a 100 degree concrete room. He couldn't walk well, yet the bastards clipped his wings. All he could do was rely on the humans for everything. Now, he can fly and has some semblance of pride.
I was in a BIN of 20 other birds. They trimmed my wings so I couldn't fly out. Then some woman bought me to keep her other budgie company, but the guy and I didn't get along, so he smacked me around. I couldn't leave the cage because there was this cat there, so it pretty much sucked. Luckily, the lady gave me to my current human flock and there are no cats here.
So I dig what brother Blue is talking about. Some birds get dealt a bad hand, escape is all they got. Sometimes you just got to fly away.
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BIRDIE
Aug 12, 2020 19:57:34 GMT
Post by bulldust on Aug 12, 2020 19:57:34 GMT
What the fuck is this?
Son of a bitch.
Who let the goddamned birds in my office?
Grrrrr...
The Bull is not please. There's bird shit and feathers everywhere. Wait, my computer? Who chewed the cables. Where is my escape key.
PIKACHU!
Okay, Bulldust has shit to do, rather clean, so we'll keep this short.
The cap, while emotionally compelling at times, was missing something. It wasn't as intense as I anticipated it would be when I read the first paragraph. I was expecting to be moved a whole lot more than I was.
I think there needs to be more emphasis on the emptiness the neglect brings. Maybe create more of an initial connection between the master and Birdie so his absence feels greater. The empathy needs more work. You really need to get the reader to connect with the emptiness and agony of the MC.
I have to agree with Fishboy and say no to this. Although, it has potential, it needs work.
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