Post by sturgeon on Apr 5, 2020 11:46:16 GMT
Woah, I've been neglecting my duties, I should've reviewed this two weeks ago. I promise to be better until I do it again.
So, this is a slice of life story, about a drunk watching a frantic family at East Beach while waiting for an ex to pass by in the naive hope of starting up a reconciliation. It's well enough wrItten - not enough panache to be quotable, but a consistent and passably convincing voice.
There are a couple of bits where the choreography could be improved, like... the twins joke probably should've been a one-shot; it could be clearer what's happening when the kid runs away; it could be much clearer what's happening when the drunk throws the bag of crisps at the boy. Not sure you needed to repeat "judgemental umbrellas" three times in as many lines.
For me this story is ok. It's almost good. But the monkey remains untouched.
It's a no from me. But keep writing.
So, this is a slice of life story, about a drunk watching a frantic family at East Beach while waiting for an ex to pass by in the naive hope of starting up a reconciliation. It's well enough wrItten - not enough panache to be quotable, but a consistent and passably convincing voice.
There are a couple of bits where the choreography could be improved, like... the twins joke probably should've been a one-shot; it could be clearer what's happening when the kid runs away; it could be much clearer what's happening when the drunk throws the bag of crisps at the boy. Not sure you needed to repeat "judgemental umbrellas" three times in as many lines.
For me this story is ok. It's almost good. But the monkey remains untouched.
It's a no from me. But keep writing.
