The Bull has been, well bullish – getting things done, working hard, you know the drill. Then, once day some cap comes his way promising to be the best story ever written. So the Bull has to carve out some time to sit down and read this twelve-thousand word tome and see for himself.
So here goes.
“Danger in the Darkness” is long - nineteen pages, single-spaced.
There were vampires.
And then it struck me.
I read this piece of cap Sat, Jun 30, 2018 at 7:17 PM (or close to that).
I recalled a discussion with the Rockman, where we voted no.
I’m gonna let the fish sort this one out, since I already went through the motions all those years ago.
Peace out, bitches. (Not permanently, but for now, unless I get Corvided that is.)
My mistake. It sounds like this one was already adjudicated in the Terminal years ago and I sent it up again after the VC inquired as to the disposition of his cap. I couldn't find anything in the gmail archives beyond the Floor sending it up in 2018. I assumed that meant it needed to go to the Terminal. Like I said, my mistake. I apologize to you, Wally, and all parties involved and will make it right.
I'm biased against vampire and werewolf stories because it's so rare that they do anything new. Vampires and werewolves come with such a lot of lore-baggage, that a common pitfall in such a story is to go into exposition-overdrive while you explain how your vampires and your werewolves are different and unique.
Unfortunately, this story fell right into the middle of that pitfall, and rolled around in it for several pages.
I really liked the worldbuilding, and the plot - once you got there - was interesting. But take, for example, the latter half of page 7 and the top of page 8:
"And what were those things? Werewolves. Was there such a thing? John had never even heard that they really existed before. Did they have some special power that made them impervious to bullets? And didn't werewolves only come out under a full moon? There was no moon. What about that?"
...and several more paragraphs just like that. Boring. Just show don't tell and trust the reader to work it out for themselves.
(While we're in this bit, typo: "The one on the porch roof could have killed him if it wanted too.")
And how on earth did you take 16 whole pages to get to the first big plot point:
"So I'm the bait."
"Exactly, Mr. Hanson."
(While we're in this bit, page 17 has another painful example of the exposition pitfall - a literal Q&A session with a vampire about how vampires work in this particular story.)
Finally, on page 23, the plot really gets going. Um... page 23. Out of 28. Says it all, really.
(While we're in this bit, two typos on page 27: "Now, if you're going to do that you can forget all about a doctor." and "Your brother said I was a trophy."
Having said all that, you write well. Keep it up. I look forward to reading something of yours that doesn't have any vampires in it.