Post by sturgeon on Oct 31, 2019 20:32:33 GMT
Dear Jane VC,
I wanted to love this. I really did. It's a fascinating idea, and for the most part I was enjoying the ride. The territory is right-on - our obsession with our smart screens, the commodification of humanity, everything. But ultimately it was just a bit... confusing. Partly because I wasn't sure what was actually being charged - his flesh-and-blood body, or some kind of cybernetic implant, or some device upon which his welfare relies? Who or what is Zendiyat? What is the virtuality that he mentions at the start - is that an attempt to find intimacy online without the need for physical interaction, or does it just mean the Tinder-like system he uses to find a partner for (perfunctory) corporeal intimacy? All of the above I might have forgiven on my softer days, because I like what you're trying to say, so as I was reading I told myself: the ending will be the deciding factor. If it ends perfectly, I'll buy it. But no. The ending was the right one, a pleasing one, but delivered in a way that only served to reinforce the problems of confusion. Why does he think "Oh no" - surely this is wonderful for him? Why does he euphemise with "Physical intimacy" versus "physical intimacy" - I mean, that's an unnecessarily semantic distinction. "Not just sex" says it much more directly. Why is he so pleased that all he has to do to stay charged is hold a snotty head when a few paragraphs earlier he said it made him feel "even cheaper than normal".
It's a no. But keep writing.
Wally Sturgeon
The Floor
www.tqrstories.com
I wanted to love this. I really did. It's a fascinating idea, and for the most part I was enjoying the ride. The territory is right-on - our obsession with our smart screens, the commodification of humanity, everything. But ultimately it was just a bit... confusing. Partly because I wasn't sure what was actually being charged - his flesh-and-blood body, or some kind of cybernetic implant, or some device upon which his welfare relies? Who or what is Zendiyat? What is the virtuality that he mentions at the start - is that an attempt to find intimacy online without the need for physical interaction, or does it just mean the Tinder-like system he uses to find a partner for (perfunctory) corporeal intimacy? All of the above I might have forgiven on my softer days, because I like what you're trying to say, so as I was reading I told myself: the ending will be the deciding factor. If it ends perfectly, I'll buy it. But no. The ending was the right one, a pleasing one, but delivered in a way that only served to reinforce the problems of confusion. Why does he think "Oh no" - surely this is wonderful for him? Why does he euphemise with "Physical intimacy" versus "physical intimacy" - I mean, that's an unnecessarily semantic distinction. "Not just sex" says it much more directly. Why is he so pleased that all he has to do to stay charged is hold a snotty head when a few paragraphs earlier he said it made him feel "even cheaper than normal".
It's a no. But keep writing.
Wally Sturgeon
The Floor
www.tqrstories.com