There is a problem with these kind of science fiction stories, namely that there's so much exposition to do that it can often feel unwieldy. The decision to start with a Star Wars-style text crawl so that you can focus on the character and his situation was probably the right one. I admire the world you've created and I think you handled the material well. Not perfectly, but well enough for me to sling this up to the Terminal and let the real bastards be the judge.
Also, y'know, they'll prolly fall for the American-hero-shit more'n I ever would.