Post by rorschalk on Feb 24, 2023 22:49:51 GMT
Dear Mr. VC,
The bar fight is superbly directed. The interplay of thoughts and actions is so well done that you put the reader right there in the life or death situation. However, I am passing FIGHTING THE WAR AGAIN for the specific reason that it's so close but still not quite yet done. To illustrate this point I use the example of Artie's leg being the thing that save's Curt's bacon. The reader is already hyper aware of the leg. What with it's cross-reference connotations with Flannery O'Connor's piece with the character named Hulga with the fake leg to bolster the impact of such an artificial limb, giving it more oomph than it would have had alone even. But I'm going off on a tangent when my point is actually, the impact of this finishing move would have been magnified by a power of 10 if you'd simply said, "Artie's leg crashes down on Chad's forearm..." instead of delaying our recognition what's going down by saying "pinkish blur". I mean, the leg's already such a thing that just coming out and saying it would be a huge laugh line as well as perfectly believable and fitting for the situation.
There are other instances where this piece is rough around the edges, owing to too much or not enough. The first sentence strikes me as another example of what I'm talking about here. It would be strengthened in my eyes by simply editing out the last two words "not Vietnam." Imo, the sentence already made its point as well as it could, making any specific war reference unnecessary and incidental.
I have to say I really like the ending too. Both men come to some detente with neither really ceding the other an inch of their pride or downplaying their latent menace. It works very well, and is indicative of something society has gotten rid of to its own detriment...the threat of danger simmering in the spicy pot of masculinity...or someone else could probably put it better than that because the way I put it sounds kinda gay.
Anyhow. This one is very close to completion. It just needs another read through by the VC's critical eyes.
The bar fight is superbly directed. The interplay of thoughts and actions is so well done that you put the reader right there in the life or death situation. However, I am passing FIGHTING THE WAR AGAIN for the specific reason that it's so close but still not quite yet done. To illustrate this point I use the example of Artie's leg being the thing that save's Curt's bacon. The reader is already hyper aware of the leg. What with it's cross-reference connotations with Flannery O'Connor's piece with the character named Hulga with the fake leg to bolster the impact of such an artificial limb, giving it more oomph than it would have had alone even. But I'm going off on a tangent when my point is actually, the impact of this finishing move would have been magnified by a power of 10 if you'd simply said, "Artie's leg crashes down on Chad's forearm..." instead of delaying our recognition what's going down by saying "pinkish blur". I mean, the leg's already such a thing that just coming out and saying it would be a huge laugh line as well as perfectly believable and fitting for the situation.
There are other instances where this piece is rough around the edges, owing to too much or not enough. The first sentence strikes me as another example of what I'm talking about here. It would be strengthened in my eyes by simply editing out the last two words "not Vietnam." Imo, the sentence already made its point as well as it could, making any specific war reference unnecessary and incidental.
I have to say I really like the ending too. Both men come to some detente with neither really ceding the other an inch of their pride or downplaying their latent menace. It works very well, and is indicative of something society has gotten rid of to its own detriment...the threat of danger simmering in the spicy pot of masculinity...or someone else could probably put it better than that because the way I put it sounds kinda gay.
Anyhow. This one is very close to completion. It just needs another read through by the VC's critical eyes.
