Post by sturgeon on Nov 17, 2022 13:58:46 GMT
Here's a very straightforward cap that tells of a hiker who gets cursed on a Maine mountaintop, and rather trustingly accepts the help of an ageing local to try and dodge his deadly fate.
I have questions.
Above all, what happened to the other dude? The protag was accompanied to the accursed summit by another lonely hiker (musta been annoying not to have the summit to himself) - but the story does not deign to mention him again. This violates the dramatic principle of Chekhov's gun, and made me feel like that other dude was there only for authorial convenience, so that our hero's thoughts could be externalised in dialogue.
Talking of "authorial convenience", when the old lady offers to show him to the cursed peak he responds that he's already seen the sunrise from there. Not just that he knows the way thank you very much, or even that he's been there, but that he saw the sunrise from there. Which plays into her acting all shocked and saying he's cursed. How convenient.
Basically, she could not have telegraphed more clearly that this whole gig was a set-up, and yet our main character is sufficiently naïve not to see it, or even think of the possibility until a page or so later - and plays along to the extent that he gets naked for no reason other than her say-so. (Is the nudity necessary to break the spell, I wonder, or does she tell him that for kicks?) The twist is that yes, she was conning him, but she actually is a witch! A pretty callous one, too, given that she apparently relies on chance to find (and extract money from) her marks, and presumably leaves the others to die.
Altogether, an entertaining cap, but it doesn't quite hang together. No from me.
Some minor grammatical points eg:
- The thought crept into Tony’s mind, uninvited but once it got there it refused to leave. The comma is in the wrong place.
- I can answer all your questions but not till then” Missing a fullstop.
- the point from which he had begun his accent the previous morning. Should be ascent.
- You are a smart one, you are. You're a smart one sounds more natural for dialogue.
- I can make it so that the curse will only go into effect if you ever tell anyone, in any way, about the curse’s existence. I initially read this as "never", which reverses the meaning. I suggest rephrasing to clarify, or at least deleting "ever".
I have questions.
Above all, what happened to the other dude? The protag was accompanied to the accursed summit by another lonely hiker (musta been annoying not to have the summit to himself) - but the story does not deign to mention him again. This violates the dramatic principle of Chekhov's gun, and made me feel like that other dude was there only for authorial convenience, so that our hero's thoughts could be externalised in dialogue.
Talking of "authorial convenience", when the old lady offers to show him to the cursed peak he responds that he's already seen the sunrise from there. Not just that he knows the way thank you very much, or even that he's been there, but that he saw the sunrise from there. Which plays into her acting all shocked and saying he's cursed. How convenient.
Basically, she could not have telegraphed more clearly that this whole gig was a set-up, and yet our main character is sufficiently naïve not to see it, or even think of the possibility until a page or so later - and plays along to the extent that he gets naked for no reason other than her say-so. (Is the nudity necessary to break the spell, I wonder, or does she tell him that for kicks?) The twist is that yes, she was conning him, but she actually is a witch! A pretty callous one, too, given that she apparently relies on chance to find (and extract money from) her marks, and presumably leaves the others to die.
Altogether, an entertaining cap, but it doesn't quite hang together. No from me.
Some minor grammatical points eg:
- The thought crept into Tony’s mind, uninvited but once it got there it refused to leave. The comma is in the wrong place.
- I can answer all your questions but not till then” Missing a fullstop.
- the point from which he had begun his accent the previous morning. Should be ascent.
- You are a smart one, you are. You're a smart one sounds more natural for dialogue.
- I can make it so that the curse will only go into effect if you ever tell anyone, in any way, about the curse’s existence. I initially read this as "never", which reverses the meaning. I suggest rephrasing to clarify, or at least deleting "ever".
