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BIRDS
Nov 18, 2021 22:16:26 GMT
Post by mrchu on Nov 18, 2021 22:16:26 GMT
Pikachu here, squaking up a better cap review than that stinky bull. They say that parrots don’t like strong smells, as noted in the cap. However, I do fine with the stench of bullcrap around the nest and rarely find need to complain. What good would it do, anyway?
Firstly, I must admire the representation in this cap. As an avian, I find it important that a diverse presentation of our kind be showcased in the media. The number of bird species mentioned in the cap was appropriate. All written works should have at least this quantity of birds in them.
So, there were a couple of slight nitpicks, like a couple of instances of “towards”. We’re ‘Mericans so it's just toward. But no big deal.
The cap was otherwise pretty good. The heavy threads of metaphors crashing against each other further represented the character’s dilemma. The struggle over responsibility or freedom. In this case the main character was giving an unfairly heavy load to carry. But then again, he made the choice to commit to it. Should he continue to toe the line or fly away?
I agree with Rocks that maybe it would have played better if the last sentence were left out or changed to leave the end as a mystery. Did he, or didn’t he?
I vote yes. Let’s see what the fishy one thinks.
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BIRDS
Nov 22, 2021 10:50:38 GMT
Post by sturgeon on Nov 22, 2021 10:50:38 GMT
As a fish-creature, birds make me nervous.
As an editor, mixed metaphors make me nervous.
This cap allegorises the breakdown of a marriage/career/life path using several recurring metaphors including religion, baseball and - yes - birds. The swirl of symbolism closes in on the main character until he is forced to choose: submit or flee. The narrative remains admirably restrained, taking place largely inside the car on the way from church to work, during which time we get an insight into the character's backstory. The various portents accumulate in a way that builds some tension, à la the Coen Brothers' A Serious Man.
There are a bunch of minor errors and clumsy writing. Just in the first page we get:
But no reason, in the eyes of God, are cause... ["are" should be "is"] All our sins and grief to bare... ["bare" should be "bear"] Come-on... [should be "Come on"] My wife pull away from my grip. [should be "pulled away"] I could smell her smoke and wanted cigarette [should be "a cigarette"]
And so on. There's a line of dialogue that feels like narration rather than what the character would say out loud to his wife: "At one time it hadn't bothered me... But one day you stayed away for a month..." And there's Volkswagon. Das is nicht richtig. (Yeah, I'm a nitpicker, that's what Terminali are there for.)
None of this sloppiness would alone be cause for me to vote no on this piece, but it's enough to tip me off the fence. It's good, but it's not artfully enough executed to get a yes from me. Which means we need a tiebreak, please!
(Hey, 'Chu, we're not all Americans here. You see how I wrote "allegorises" above, with no zeds? Britfish in yo' face.)
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BIRDS
Nov 24, 2021 18:30:59 GMT
Post by deplancher on Nov 24, 2021 18:30:59 GMT
Then DeP, well known [albeit obscure] for imperfection while expecting to find better in others, swoops in on the back of a double beaked dove. Who am I, she asks the blue light in the corner, to break anything like a tie?
I am, of course, merely I.
I wince once twice thrice at dumb dumb errors and the unnecessity of their existence.
~ my wife pull away ~ and want cigarette just then too
And how did we transition from a too hot day into near sunset or did I have a nap in the timeline when lawyer bewildered walked from church to parking garage and sped in his converti out to the Nod Road crossroad? Pause me, reality.
These things, however, flaked away as my simply engaged mind fell into the shall I/shall I not and who am I/who can I be hum that resides at the core of Birds. Perhaps because I've been fasting I am weak? Or perhaps my hunger aids my clarity in recognizing the shimmer here.
Is it perfect? Nay, c'est le parfait imparfait, just as are muddled lawyer man's dilemma and his manner of arriving at his ultimate decision.
Let it sail. My vote is oui. [DeP catches her heel in a loose tile, rights herself before falling, then fades back to shadow silence.]
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